Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
