Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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