your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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