So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
