it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
