remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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