I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
