Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
