I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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