so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
