i was rollin on her like bob the builder
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
