Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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