I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
