Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
