i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
