I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
