My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
