I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
