Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
