Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.