she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?