he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
