"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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