Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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