Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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