i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
