i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
