Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
