I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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