You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
