1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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