i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
