So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
