Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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