I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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