You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
