im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
