i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You can't just leave with hair like that
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
