best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
