I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
