The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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