My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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