woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
