Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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