Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
