Your face is a jimmy john
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
