mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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