Welp...herpes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
