all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize