There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
