Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
