nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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