Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
