i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
