I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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