Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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