If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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