I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
