I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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