I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
