2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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