I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
